failure

I've never felt like a failure although my life is full of failing.  It was just one more thing that didn't work for me and then I'd move on to the next thing.  There was never any guilt... as I laughingly told a friend, "I don't do guilt".   I didn't feel ashamed really, because whatever failed was not entirely my doing; it always takes more than just me to create a failure.  

Then I was young, had decent health and still felt positive about life.  Now that I'm older, there seems to be more failure in my life than I could have ever imagined.  The 'bounce back' isn't there; landing on my feet doesn't happen anymore.  Now, I'm unemployed with unfinished education and unloved in my own mind, with untreated illnesses due to being uninsured. It's an Un- existance...

I try very hard to depend on God, but since I've always had to depend on myself, it's hard to give that up and many times it's just a foreign concept.  Support from family is non-existent for the most part; I have been alone in my struggle for most of my life.  

There is Jake who keeps me from being a hermit.  He loves me in whatever way he is able and I love him completely.  I worry about his life when I'm gone...who is going to make sure he isn't too vulnerable?  Will anyone in the family take him under their wing?  I don't feel they will.   It makes me very nervous to think about...

I could probably move and find a perfectly great job, but move where?  Moving to a place where we know no one is just not a good answer.  But Abraham, when told by God to go to the land where I send you, picked up and moved his entire family and livestock to a place where he knew no one.  If I moved and took Jake with me, what would happen to him when I die?  He would be left alone there...I would just hate that.

Then there is this Bachelor degree that is unfinished.  Poor credit; no loans.  Scholarships; too few.  I guess my desire for a better job may not be realized after all...

I don't go to church because it's too painful to see so many families who invest in each other when mine does not; too hard to see folks with jobs they like while we exist in unemployment.    Does this make me covetous?  I don't know, but it feels like it might...