failure

I've never felt like a failure although my life is full of failing.  It was just one more thing that didn't work for me and then I'd move on to the next thing.  There was never any guilt... as I laughingly told a friend, "I don't do guilt".   I didn't feel ashamed really, because whatever failed was not entirely my doing; it always takes more than just me to create a failure.  

Then I was young, had decent health and still felt positive about life.  Now that I'm older, there seems to be more failure in my life than I could have ever imagined.  The 'bounce back' isn't there; landing on my feet doesn't happen anymore.  Now, I'm unemployed with unfinished education and unloved in my own mind, with untreated illnesses due to being uninsured. It's an Un- existance...

I try very hard to depend on God, but since I've always had to depend on myself, it's hard to give that up and many times it's just a foreign concept.  Support from family is non-existent for the most part; I have been alone in my struggle for most of my life.  

There is Jake who keeps me from being a hermit.  He loves me in whatever way he is able and I love him completely.  I worry about his life when I'm gone...who is going to make sure he isn't too vulnerable?  Will anyone in the family take him under their wing?  I don't feel they will.   It makes me very nervous to think about...

I could probably move and find a perfectly great job, but move where?  Moving to a place where we know no one is just not a good answer.  But Abraham, when told by God to go to the land where I send you, picked up and moved his entire family and livestock to a place where he knew no one.  If I moved and took Jake with me, what would happen to him when I die?  He would be left alone there...I would just hate that.

Then there is this Bachelor degree that is unfinished.  Poor credit; no loans.  Scholarships; too few.  I guess my desire for a better job may not be realized after all...

I don't go to church because it's too painful to see so many families who invest in each other when mine does not; too hard to see folks with jobs they like while we exist in unemployment.    Does this make me covetous?  I don't know, but it feels like it might...

Wisdom

It's my mission to attempt to befriend even those with whom I vehemently disagree.  Many of my friends are not of my own beliefs, but we put that aside and find common ground.  Some of my best friends along the way of life have been on the other side of faith and politics and the relationship has been very good. 

Every now and again, though, my friendship with an 'other-sider' becomes tedious for it's differences.  Such is the dilema of a current friend who I adore as a person.  It's not easy to be friends with someone you don't agree with politically because the rhetoric usually rubs you the wrong way.  I dislike the use of character assassination just because you don't agree with someone's politics. Unfortunately, those tactics are too often used to hurt someone who disagrees.

Trying to be wise in my response is the balance I want to maintain.  But wouldn't it be nice if you could just say 'you are a friggin idiot' and be done with it?  Well, that's not how I disagree with someone, so I take a deep breath and smile, knowing I am not behaving that way. 

Drink Stand

Today I entered a store; there was a card to be bought, a wish to be conveyed.  It was intended to be a quick trip- in and out.  As I pulled in, a boy about 11 rode his bike up to the door; he was on a mission.  He checked out ahead of me with 3 bags filled with 2-liter pops, a bag of ice and a 24 pack of bottled water.

I asked him how he intended to get home with all that heavy liquid and he replied, they'd make it work somehow.  He didn't seem confident of that, but continued to say he and his friends were setting up a drink stand down the road to make some money. 

Memories of drink stands I hosted through the years came flooding back and a smile crossed my face.  "Would you like it if I drove your stuff for you and you show me where to go?"  His face lit up and he shook his head, "that would be great!" 

He paid for his stuff and I asked him if he trusted me...he took a few seconds and said "yes".  "Good" I stated "because I'm trustworthy".   He loaded up his drinks in my back seat and off we went.  They rode ahead of me and went three blocks.  There was the table waiting for the merchandise. 

They unloaded, offered me a drink and thanked me very sincerely for kids...it made my day! 

buried pain

Buried my sister at 54. 
Her friends were numerous.
She mirrored her mother in her suffering.
Cancer.  Months of pain.  Screwed up family.
Too young in fifties. 

My life was marred by her hurtful actions;
Twenty years passed without comment.
Time had no meaning between us...now
She will no longer be here to ignore.

Crying on my shoulder; sobs of regret that
melted away the years.  Her unspoken remorse
and sorrow -- as she flies away to heaven

It will be a new day when we meet there;
Love Joy Healing  an eternity of starting again. 
I love you my sister and will miss you in spite of all. 

I Was 10 Then

The trains sped by each other everyday; one going up and one going down.  In the middle there was space...one day a dog got caught there.  He came out after they passed, and ran away.  How does it feel to stand in between the trains, watching them speed by from the inside?  The dog knows.  It's my turn to know.   Walking across one track before the train passed, I waited.  The next train approached; honking violently to warn of it's coming.  Wanting me to move away, it laid on it's horn; but standing firm, it passed. 


In the middle, between two trains, being pulled and blown from my stance; having to brace to avoid a fall.  It was exhilarating!  It was horrifying!  It was the stupidest stunt ever -- but an angel was hanging on for dear life as they finished passing by.  It will ever be a moment in time that defined who I am.

Depp Quilt

http://namaste-project.blogspot.com/

Someone in my circle of friends on the Ted Neeley group, turned me on to Johnny Depp several years ago. He was never on my radar and until the first Pirate movie, I don’t believe I’d seen anything else except “Sleepy Hollow”.
How I could have missed his sexiness is beyond me, but now that the discovery was made, I became a super fan once again, joining the ‘overthirtydepp’ group. It was very fun –they know everything about Johnny there and I learned so much.
He’s pretty extraordinary; much like Marlon Brando, whom he admired and patterned his celebrity after. His movies are much more violent and gruesome than I like, and many cannot be viewed more than a time or two. But the ones I like are on the top of my viewing list always. “Benny and Joon” comes to mind. What a sweet character he created for this movie. And all the Pirates movies were sensational!
So it was with no hesitation at all, that when a call came out for fans to autograph quilt squares, I was right on that. You see my square below, but if you would like to see the entire quilt, please feel free to go this link and view the entire piece, along with the letter penned by Johnny thanking us for it.
I will always feel connected to him now that my name is on his quilt.

The Groups

The months that followed meeting and hugging Ted where filled with the gals on the yahoo groups. I met so many people there but two who became good friends of mine. We discussed Ted, the show, the website, and anything related to Ted. I learned of the many projects and films he had done since the original movie that I never knew. We did a special project for his birthday using ideas from among us. The idea chosen was mine, a scrapbook of pictures we had all taken with him at the show. There are hundreds of pictures out there of us with him, but we were pretty sure he didn’t have many of him with us.

It was a good idea and everyone was having a good time working on their pages. They would show us previews as they progressed and it was certain Ted would be thrilled with it. As it turned out, someone else on the group took over my project behind my back.
In the middle of the project, however, something else happened. A relative of mine was in the business of making things with fragrance. We had learned very early on in our ‘Ted’ information, that he uses one fragrance and is identified by that scent.

She found an oil of that scent and made some air fresheners with several images of Ted from the movie. I got to see them and was so excited to share them with everyone in the group that I bought all she had and sent them, at my own expense, to anyone who asked for one. They were fabulous! And when the reviews came in, all were thrilled as I was to have them. There was a website link given to the recipients who may have wanted more, and they only had to pay for materials and postage. We thought that was more than fair; no money being made – just making Ted fans happy.

Unfortunately, one of my two good friends from the group alerted me to a post on Ted’s website by the webmaster. This guy was bad news from the start and his post basically accused us of using Ted’s image for profit and threatened legal action.

A storm ensued—for both points of view—that it was and was not true. I hurried to the site and read an unbelievable accusation! And the posts to follow were angry, vicious, and out of line. Ted’s website was closed down and by the next morning, it was out of commission. It remained down for many months.

Of course, being a reactionary, I posted a scathing message to the groups which was intended for the webmaster and the guilty party who told him the lie to begin with. My friend and I have always believed these two are wolves in sheep’s clothing, but Ted can’t see it. I don’t use names out of courtesy, but these two know who they are.

It was the end of my time on the yahoo groups, mostly due to the lack of trust displayed in this incident. I was not able to get a message to Ted because everything online goes through these two people. So I waited.

In March of the next year, when the show was close by, I made arrangements ahead of time to see Ted after the show. He wasn’t doing a meet and greet there, but the marketing gal, bless her heart, messaged ahead of the show to tell Ted that I wanted a chance to see him. He knew it was me and agreed to the meeting. I was so happy to see him; we hugged, I apologized and he said he knew I didn’t do what was said. It was all good.

Then, I handed him a mini scrapbook, with wonderful pictures of people he met during my times in line and meeting him. It was so much better than the one the group ended up with that I felt vindicated. And he LOVED it! His face lit up and he couldn’t believe I would go to all that work for him. It was a good end to a nasty incident. Ted and I will continue to be friends. He will coming to Omaha February 1&2, so I may just message ahead and find out if he will see me again. That would be the perfect ending.